Goooooooood morning gentle friends. It’s roughly 10am and I’m still wiping the sleep out of my eyes. I’m tired. I’m tired because I couldn’t sleep last night and I couldn’t sleep last night, not because I was tired, but because I was jittery with expectation. It’s Wednesday baby and I’m titillated at the thought of watching the Cobras quarter final match. My nipples are erect and goose bumps cover my inner thighs. There’s no place in the world I’d rather be than in Cape Town and with the Cobras. Many are hyping this game up as a re-match of last year’s appalling semi- final which saw the demise of the Cobras and the crowning of the Nadoes once again. We were sad men. Distraught you might say. But like the late, great Rodney Bernhardt said: “the world doesn’t need another sad man, it needs a fucking hero.”
I believe he wasn’t just talking about life as a security officer, he was speaking in broader terms. He was talking to us. He was sending us a message. Today we kill the duck and put the steaming locomotive that is the Purple Cobras Rugby Team back on the tracks to victory. Let’s end this duck boys. Let’s end it like Lusky might end a blind, wing clipped guinea fowl... with four twelve gauge shot guns at close range. The time has come. We need to put behind us the emotional fair wells to the likes of Luke Du Plessis and focus not on their absence but on doing their names proud. It’s the business end of the season and we’ve got plenty of wheeler dealers to get the job done.
With that said I’ like to produce the weather forecast for today. I’m not particularly proud of the fact that this is done by simply looking out the window. But as you know the Green Mile has its’ very own micro climate so here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to give you the weather as it stands right now and tell you what to prepare for for this evening. A lot can change you see.
| Weather for Cape Town, South Africa |
| 15°C | °F Current: Clear Wind: N at 3 km/h Humidity: 59% Wed 21°C | 12°C |
There you have it. Just as I expected. Clear sunny skies for the day with a very light Northerly wind. A high of 15 with a low of 12 tells me that it’s still winter but I bet we were all fairly relieved to wake up to sunshine this morning. That reminds me of a great song.
‘Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone. Ain’t smiles when she’s away. Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone and she’s always gone for far too long...’
You guys know that tune? It’s a ‘killing me softly’ type of vibe by the Fugees. Speaking of the Fugees did anyone else happen to notice that Wyclef Jean is running for president in Haiti? I’ serious. The brother has been parading through streets on the top of armoured vehicles waving to his potential people. He is Haitian but grew up in America where he became a famous singer. It was recently written that he has funded many concerts through his charity which is a little messed up. When asked about the prospect of losing the election: "Even if I lose, I do win," he says. "The world will have known that in history there was a young man from Haiti who felt he wanted to do more than music, to engage in Haitian politics and help move the country forward. So in that sense I feel that even if I am to lose, I am to win." Talking about himself in the third person there. Dubious you might say. Anyway.
So back to the weather. A northerly wind is not too disastrous unless it switches. And switch it will. By 8pm tonight I’m predicting a strong SW wind blowing on the Green Mile. That’s not exactly the devil wind but it will certainly push temperatures down and make goal kickers pick up a few more blades of grass to judge the wind. Personally I feel that Warren Butler shouldn’t have too much trouble with his conversions tonight. It’s always much easier when tries are being run in under the poles. Nuff said.
I would like to round off today’s weather report with an interview I did with one of our Cobras players many months ago. It never went to print due to some software glitches I was experiencing at the time. I would also like to add that in the future all interviews done by myself will be done via the brain mining techniques used in the movie ‘Inception’. I’m going to come clean with you guys because you’re all straight shooters and I consider you my friends. I invented that technology. that movie was, in fact, based on my exploits. I know, it’s all a bit much to take in at this point. Don’t bother asking the producers about me. They’ll deny it you see. I costs someone a lot less when they don’t have to pay property rights to the master mind behind. It’s going to take many years of therapy and many more years of binge drinking to get over this little bump. I am here to ask you to hold my hand through this rocky patch. So what I was trying to say was instead of the usual pre-match interview I’ll be doing a little exploring into the minds and imaginations of your fellow Cobra’s and then describing in detail what I find there. I takes a huge amount of courage to delve into the mind of Ian Armstrong. It takes even more courage to go there when Swali is in town. Can you imagine. Assume we’re walking through Army’s dream land.... Clouds, beers, soccer balls, big boobed bikinied babes, soft pillows, warm duvets, other people’s clothes... Heaven (to some). Then all of a sudden grey clouds move across the sky and the calming music turns to somehting from ACDC (back in black or Highway to Hell). The soft pillows burst into flame, the clothes decay in front of your eyes, the soccer balls pop, the beers go warm and flat and little horned goat men with sharp teeth run amok raping the brilliantly breasted beauties. Can you imagine that shit? I won’t be doing an interview with him anytime soon. Swali sitting on a throne breathing fire with little horns poking through his hair. Fuck me that’s a terrifying thought. Anyway. That’s the deal for the next few interviews. Right now we’ll get stuck into a brief discussion with none other Nic ‘Fridge’ Bailey.
Bug: Nic, you joined the Cobras at the beginning of the year.
Nic: Correct
Bug: Sorry I wasn’t quite finished there. I was building towards a question. Not the lack of inflection.
Nic: Sorry. Inflection is very interesting isn’t it?
Bug: Huh?
Nic: What?
Bug: Do you watch Community?
Nic: No?
B: Enough now. So what did you envision when you joined this wonderful family?
N: Well I always knew you guys threw a bit of a vibe from when I played for the Socos many years ago. I hadn’t been enjoying my rugby and I needed a fresh start with an aspiring team. It’s worked out really well.
B: As it has for us Nic. Thank you for your participation. It’s been a great contribution. Tell me... what does Nic Bailey get up to on his weekends when he isn’t playing rugby?
N: Well I’ll probably be watching it. Other than that I’m always making a mission to find some waves around the Cape peninsula. It keeps me going. I recently went on a trip to Indo and that was just mind altering. It was tough to come back and start work again.
B: I know what you mean. Actually I don’t. The real working stage of my life hasn’t quite begun but when it does I’ll be knocking on your door (figuratively speaking of course) for some advice on how to manage the pain. Is that ok?
N: I suppose so.
B: Thanks for your kindness.
B: Do you realise that the letter N (indicating your responses in this interview) and the letter B (indicating my responses) are your initials. Quite a mind fuck. B stands for Bug obviously but were the reader not so intimately familiar with the Cobras and me then they might think you were talking to yourself. Are you talking to yourself Nic?
N: What is going on here?
B: Have you seen Shutter Island?
N: Yes
B: Same sort of vibe.
N: Oh I see.
B: But do you really see....
That’s that and a bag of Fritos. Thank you for your time. Next time we go balls deep into the imagination of Warren Butler. Interesting times ahead.
Always take the weather with you!
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